Monday, July 13, 2009

Monday Musings

It's Monday and time for another week in the life of a retiree. Everyone is looking to save all the money possible. When your car A.C. bites the dust you do have options. You can pay $1500.00 or more for a new one, or spend $199.00 on a compressor and $50.00 on a used 110 volt window unit and there you go - cool again. The rear tail light assembly probably costs $175.00 at the dealership, but a red plastic box from Hobby Lobby can be had for about $3.50. Where there's a will there's a way. Just remember to gas up the compressor when you buy gasoline.

I think I'll go around and ask all my neighbors for money to pay my bills and my mortgage payments. I know they are hurting, but if I don't do something soon I might not be able to take a European vacation next year. I'm sure they'll understand. I normally wouldn't consider a plan like this, but I've been watching the financial gurus of the current administration and they assure me that, like their plan to stimulate the economy, this will work. I'm also considering using my computer and printer to print some money. Since it doesn't matter if there is nothing to back it up anymore, anyone should be able to do this. What a country. I never dreamed achieving wealth could be so easy.

I am also looking forward to the president's new health care plan. I just researched a random government agency to see how efficient the government is at handling complicated situations. The Department of Energy came to mind. It was established to reduce our dependence on foreign oil. Man, what a success story they are.

I'm glad we finally quit trying to get those socialist dictators to lighten up a little. This should free us up to concentrate on a lot of pseudo-science projects. Why can't those protesters who want democracy just shut up for a while? Can't they see we've given up on the idea of personal freedom? If it is something worth doing, the government will tell us. Thank goodness all those rich fat cats will be in the bread lines soon - They can try abject poverty with the rest of us and see how they like that. We can always look to our government officials when we want to see what it's like living the good life. I've never tried a steak that cost $150.00 a pound, and my wife doesn't carry a $1500.00 purse. Maybe I should run for president. I don't remember the Bush's doing that though.

I could run for the legislature. They get to vote their own raises and they don't follow any of the other rules that apply to government employees. They get to use our Social Security money to pay for anything they can't fund otherwise and they can give it away to people who never paid a dime into the system. Guess what? They don't pay in a dime either. All the old government programs for helping us are in the crapper, but I'm sure these new ones will be just the ticket. I can hardly wait for the new Government Motors cars to hit the highways. We'll be able to finance them with unsecured loans from our government banks. I'm sure this will work a lot better than the unsecured loans the government forced on the banking and housing industry. Surely they wouldn't make that mistake again.

Another reason to go for an appointment or a high level job in DC - You don't have to pay your income taxes until you get another government plum. This is especially true if you are not a straight white male. You can do anything and no one will challenge you because they are afraid you will complain and accuse someone of not liking you because you belong to a protected class. I think I'll claim my rightful place as a native American. After all, I was born here.

I'll have to finally admit it. I was wrong and so were my parents. You don't have to work hard to achieve. Just get with the government program. Lie around and father illegitimate children. If you get too many just go to Planned Parenthood and get rid of them before they get here. If you don't work you can make more money stealing and defrauding the welfare system. You don't have to pay taxes then either. What was I thinking all those years? You also get free government health care. I sure wasted a lot of time with that career of mine. All that money I saved for retirement and invested is almost gone already. Look, I made too much all those years and I want you to have it. It took me a while to come around, but you've finally made a believer out of me. I wouldn't work now if you paid me.

I think I'll become a farmer and grow only those crops the government doesn't want. I understand they pay you not to grow them. Is this a great country or what? Maybe I could become an artist and get a government grant to create paintings by dipping my swim flippers in paint and stomping around on a giant canvas. Maybe I'll pretend to be a scientist and allege some great universal catastrophe to scare to pants off everyone. They'd give me some huge grants to study it further, and maybe a Nobel Peace Prize for pointing it up to everyone. Yeah, that's the ticket. My mind is a whirrr with new ideas.

Political advertising ought to be stopped. It's the only really dishonest kind of advertising that's left.
David M. Ogilvy