Monday, July 20, 2009

I've Found the Missing Links

I must preface this post with a disclaimer. First, I am not ever thrilled with the prospect of going to the movie theater. Secondly, If you do go and happened to be in the theater tonight, please know that I realize some people who go are not at the bottom of the evolutionary scale.

However, that being said, I was in the close proximity of numerous people who could qualify for the position of "Missing Link". This is a Monday night and we are experiencing an economic downturn. A great many people in this area live on the tax dollars of the rest of us. But, guess what? The theater was packed and the over-priced concession stands were doing a booming business. Bebe wanted to see "Angels and Demons" on the big screen. I tried to dissuade her when I saw the parking lot. I was unsuccessful and tried to steel myself for the circus I knew we were entering. Her argument was that the movie was obviously an adult feature and the large numbers of children would not be in our theater.

Both of us read the book and knew the movie had to be excessively violent if it followed the plot at all. The theater was packed. Not with adults, but children of every age from infants to teens with their clueless parents scattered about, faces stuffed with buttery popcorn in tubs exceeded in size only by the width of their behinds. Of course the theater showed all the necessary rules of civil behavior related to talking during the movie, silencing your cell phones, and keeping your crying children quiet. The problem was no one was paying attention. When the feature started, there were infants crying and parents moving up and down the aisles trying to get them to stop. Then came the crowd who always seem to arrive ten minutes after the lights go down and stumble across everyone else who managed to get a seat before the movie. As soon as they were settled, the luminous glow of cell phones could be seen in almost every quadrant of the auditorium. An usher came in and made his way down the aisle telling those with less than average intelligence to turn the cell phones off. After he left, those who remembered to get the twenty dollar cash advance on their Lone Star Card got up and went back for another armload of expensive snacks. Fifteen minutes gone and I was ready to leave. I would never let any kid of mine see a movie with that much explicit violence. I couldn't help but wonder if the adults were from a brain doner colony nearby. The toddler across the aisle from my left ear never let up, but her wise grandmother did give her a cell phone to play with. She waved it around lighting up our section until someone called and the grandmother decided to talk to them. By then I was ready to join the violence being portrayed on the screen.

After the movie was over I rushed for the door, but had to wait for Bebe who managed to get herself stuck behind two behemoths moving like three toed sloths. When we finally broke into the hallway I blocked and Bebe followed. I thought we had a clear shot at the exit when Bebe whispered those familiar words in my ear, "I have to stop at the ladies room." I moved toward the only clear spot along the wall and watched the masses push past. Judging by the looks of the crowd, I thought perhaps Monday was movie night at the jail and all the inmates were headed back for the bus. After a brief but agonizing wait, I had a real grasp of why our country is in big trouble. We made it to the Jeep with its new battery ready to crank that puppy and get me the heck outta Dodge. I forgot we would have to drive with the same crowd who paid not attention to the movie rules. You guessed it, they didn't obey the rules of the road either. I can barely type this because of the big knot between my shoulder blades. I don't think Hollywood can make a movie good enough to make me go through that again.

Think of what would happen to us in America if there were no humorists; life would be one long Congressional Record.

- Tom Masson