Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Postponed Aggression

"Wait till I get out of this pool and I'll show you what's funny and what's not."

Sometimes I feel like this old cat looks. Folks just do things that right thinking people shouldn't do, and deep in my soul I feel like I should let them know about it. I hate it when people on the service road ignore the huge yellow yield signs and pinch me off at the exit ramp. I really want to follow them home and ask them to go with me to the Department of Public Safety so they can re-take their driver's test. In the old days I was known to follow people home and ask them some basic questions about civilized behavior. I was not the big Teddy Bear looking animal I am today. Today I know my limitations. I am resigned to glaring at the offenders while assailing them with some of my best, near profanity, euphemisms. "You pencil necked geek!" "You have to be a living brain transplant donor!" "Enroll in the literacy center." It is really stressful not being able to take immediate and decisive action anymore. I never heard my dad use profanity. His favorite expressions were adaptations like "I'll swannee to goodness", and "dadgumit." Being in law enforcement for thirty years nearly ruined me. I was usually able to make the segue from work to home, but on occasion I would slip in the heat of the moment.

I also get riled at people who enter at the "exit" doors of the grocery store and stare at you as you try and push past them to get out. I want to say, "What does 'Exit' mean on your planet?" How about those morons who shift into lower than low gear when you stop to let them walk in front of your car. They actually have the gall sometimes to stop and turn around to address some relative on the sidewalk who can't decide whether to move or stay. They don't know how close they are to being gently nudged by the bumper of my little red jeep. And how about those driving school dropouts who park so crooked that it invalidates the parking space next to them? I have dreams about sitting on their bumpers until they get ready to leave and then breaking out all the lights on their vehicles with a big Buford Pusser hickory limb. They don't realize how lucky they are I have mellowed in my old age. Oh, and all of you folks who think that leaving a shopping cart anywhere on the parking lot is a constitutionally guaranteed right - it's not.

If I could only get a sustained initiative for a month or two and stay on my diet and go to the gym, some of you would reap the whirlwind. But alas, I am less than motivated these days. I can sustain for about a week and then I fall off the wagon. So, unless some of you young bucks step up to the plate, I'm afraid we will be overrun by the "I'm too stupid to be alive" crowd.

All the world's a cage. - Jeanne Phillips